Am I really that useless?
by TheSaltyWatermelon
Summary: After the game against Too academy, after hearing those hurting words from Aomine's mouth Kuroko hasn't been like he was. "Your effort is useless". He just can't count on himself anymore. He can't think of himself as someone important. All he can do now is to cry alone in the shower. He's completely lost. He needs someone to fix him (KagaKuro)


The atmosphere in the locker rooms is very pressuring. The air is filled with disappointed sighs. Not even one of my teammates says anything. They concentrate just on themselves, pulling on their clean clothes after another tiring game.

I can see some drops of water on everyone's skin. Some of them are still covered in sweat, and the rest of them has already washed the salty liquid off their skin. Drops sparkling on them are water that they haven't dried yet.

I can't do anything than just sit on a wooden bench, silently. I keep my gaze in the floor, avoiding meeting anyone's eyes.

I am afraid.

We have lost our game once again. If we continue like this, we won't have any actual games anymore in this season.

And it is my fault. I know it. I haven't been able to play well enough recently. Counting on my own power and abilities has been impossible.

After our game against the team of my former light - Aomine Daiki, Too academy - everything has seemed gray to me. Every each shade around me has turned to gray. And seeing just gray can't make you happy or motivated. Nothing feels anything. Anything positive.

I have no motivation to study or even play basketball. Day by day, everything loses the last sparkles of interest in my eyes. Day by day, I feel more empty.

I feel useless.

Even if I try my best, I can't help my team - or my partner - to win. We lose again and again.

I'm afraid that everyone around me will stop counting on me completely - like I have already done. I'm afraid that slowly everyone will stop noticing me completely and I will literally become nothing.

"...Let's do better next time" Hyuga breaks the silence with his monotonic voice as he cleans his glasses with his shirt. He is also somehow staying away from everyone in the mental level. He doesn't want to let anyone close to him right now - he also feels broken inside. I can say it just by hearing those few words that were meant to cheer everyone up.

He failed. Everyone keeps quiet. Even Izuki doesn't try to brighten up other's minds with his stupid puns. Even he keeps his mouth completely shut.

Even Kagami is silent.

I try to look calm on the outside, probably succeeding at it, while inside me is actually going on an awful storm - my depressed thoughts make me feel worse second by second. After a while, I feel nauseous. My heart is racing in my chest and I really don't feel comfortable sitting there under everyone's eyes. Swallowing my own saliva is hard. It's like someone is strangling me with his slender, invisible eyes.

"...Kuroko!" Teppei calls my name and I finally am able to wake up from my thoughts. The tone in his voice tells me that he has already been asking for my attention for a while, has been calling my name a few times without getting an answer. I raise my emotionless, calm gaze to the long man's face. This isn't the first time I'm holding all my feelings in. I'm used to it.

"I'm sorry. I got lost in my thoughts" I apologize silently, letting the words escape my mouth slowly, silently.

"Are you going to shower?" my senior asks with his usual, soft voice. This time there isn't that playful accent in his voice, not even a slightest shade of it. "Just asking because I want to know if I have to dry the floor or will you do it. Everyone has already cleaned up. You're the last" the brunette explains, examining the room around us with his brown eyes as he keeps talking.

I'm happy that he forced me to come back to this world. When I look around, I realize that almost everyone has already left - Koganei, Izuki, Kagami, Hyuga, Riko, Mitobe... Everyone. Only Teppei and I are still there. Some of the cold, white lamps have already been turned off. I'm still wearing my white jersey.

"...You can leave already. I will dry it" I answer with a straight voice, finally standing up. My bottom feels a bit sore from all that sitting on a hard bench.

I turn to my bag, picking my own, soft, white towel from there. I stand my back turned to my teammate.

"Kuroko... You've been so silent lately..." Teppei mentions. I can hear from his voice that he's worried about me.

I don't want it. I don't want anyone to be worried about me. It makes me feel so selfish. They have more important things to do than just give all their attention to me.

"Are you okay? Has something happened?" he asks questions one after another. Every word makes me feel even more uncomfortable. I pet the towel in my hands gently, keeping my face turned away from him. "You know, you can always tell me if something's wrong, Kuroko. I'm your teammate, your friend. I'll listen whatever you have to say" Kiyoshi continues. He's literally the first person to say those words to me. Of course, I have had friends who have been there for me when times have been rough, but no one has ever said it to me like that.

It makes me confused.

"...Everything's fine. You can go. See you tomorrow" I answer, still not letting any of my feelings to echo in the tone of my voice. I strip my shirt, revealing my slender, pale back to the older one.

"...If you say so... I trust you, Kuroko" are the last words that I hear before the door opens, and he walks out.

I'm all alone. It's just me and this empty room, cold lights, standing air, buzzing air conditioner.

I take off my pants, slowly hiding my jersey in my bag. I'm completely naked, just a white towel wrapped around my waist to hide the most critical parts of my body. My crotch isn't just something I'd want even the walls to see.

I walk into the white room with a line of showers. There are six places to wash yourself, no walls separating them from each other. There's no place to hide.

I leave my soft towel hanging from the metallic rack before I walk to the farthest corner of the room. I don't turn on the lights, I decided to take a shower in the dark this time. Only a few blurred windows let some rays of the Sun to the room. I can see clearly, but it isn't very bright in here. It's far from being bright.

The voice of flowing water fills the room when I turn on the shower. Cool water rushes down on my skin, giving me chills. I can feel it how it washes all the sweat from my light skin.

My blue eyes keep staring at the wall emotionlessly. My heart is still beating in my chest. It hasn't calmed down even a bit.

I feel awful.

Teppei is worrying about me. If he tells about that to other teammates, they'll probably get worried too. Even if they don't have a proper reason to feel like that.

I have felt horrible for a few weeks now, but I can't tell that to everyone. I just can't. I'm afraid that they'll kick me out of the team. I don't know if they'd have a reason to do that, but my desperate mind just keeps on imagining awful scenarios of what could happen.

The worst thing that could actually happen to me right now is to be rejected by my own light.

I've been through it once. I never want to experience it again. Especially when Kagami has become so close to me in such a short time. I don't want to lose him. I don't want to see him become like Aomine. I don't want to. I don't want him to stop smiling and lose that burning passion towards basketball. I want us to become the best in Japan. Together.

But that becoming real isn't as impossible as getting kicked out of the team. I haven't played well enough lately. Kagami is probably getting tired of me being his shadow. I'm messing everything up. I'm holding him back. I can't pull out his full potential in this state.

Earlier or later he'll push me aside. I know it.

Salty tears fill my eyes. I can feel them burning my cornea. I just can't keep my tears inside me any longer. I bite my lower lip with my teeth, feeling how they slowly sink in the sensitive skin. A slight taste of blood spreads in my mouth. I don't even realize how hard I bite myself. It hurts, but I can't stop it.

I try to fight the urge to cry.

I can't.

There's no power left in my body. I slowly kneel down on the wet floor. Cold flagged floor meets my knees, cool water runs on my skin. I can feel how my light hair presses against the skin of my face, my forehead, my cheeks.

I slowly press my back against the wall, sitting now in the corner on my sore bottom. I wrap my slender hands around my legs, trying to hug myself, trying to cheer myself up, trying to make myself feel protected.

I can't.

Tears just keep rushing down on my cheeks. I can't hold them back. My teeth won't let my lower lip alone.

I'm shaking. I'm scared.

I feel so lonely.

I feel so unprotected.

Please.

I don't want this.

I don't want to be like this.

Someone...

Help me.

I'm just so broken inside. I feel like I'm being ripped in pieces slowly. I'm suffering. No one is noticing.

It's horrible how just one game could have made me feel like this. Normally people feel like this when they lose someone important to them. But I'm just crying over some sport.

...It's not just some sport. Basketball is really important to me. I've got more awesome friends than I could have ever imagined. I've lost too many awesome friends. I've lost someone important to me. And not just once.

Why is it always me?

The darkness of the room wraps its arms around me, hiding me and my feelings. It's just me and the coldness of this empty space now.

It's not like me to cry like this, to break like this. I know it. But I can't help it. Not this time.

I've been through too many things.

I just can't do this anymore.

I forgot myself in the shower, I forgot the time passing by, I forgot everything around me. I don't know what's the time anymore. I don't know how long I've been here. I don't know how long I've been crying. All I know that it's slowly darkening outside. I know that my eyes are burning, I know that my buttocks are getting even more sore. I know that the cool water is making my body shiver.

All of sudden I hear how the door of the locker room is getting opened. Someone's there. Maybe the caretaker of this school.

I wipe my tears off of the corners of my eyes as I curl up as small as I can in the corner. I don't want him to notice me. I don't want him to see me like this. I don't care who it actually is. I just don't want to see me like this.

"Kuroko!" a strong, familiar voice pierces the cold air. Hearing it in a place like this, at a moment like this makes a short, silent whine escape from between of my lips.

That voice belongs to my light.

I don't want him to see me like this.

I press my forehead against my knees, hiding my face from him.

"Please. Leave me alone" a silent request slides out of my mouth. I try to keep my voice steady, but it's trembling. I can hear it too clearly. It makes me feel even more uneasy

"Kuroko" the redhead who has entered the space calls my name again. It's more than easy to say that he's worried. It's somehow understandable. He hasn't seen me like this before. This isn't like me. "Kuroko? What's wrong?" he keeps asking, keeps calling my name concerned. I don't give him an answer. Not just yet. Not before I've got a hold of my crying and my unsteady voice.

I can sense how he slowly walks to me, even if I keep my eyes closed. I can sense how he sits down on the cold floor next to my naked body that I'm trying to hide from his eyes. I won't stop biting my lip even if I want to. It's just something that I can't stop when I'm feeling stressed.

A pair of strong, trained arms wrap around me. They pull me closer to my light's chest, they force my head to press against his muscular torso. They keep me close, safe.

Kagami still has his clothes on. Of course, he didn't want to waste any time by taking them off. He sits there, next to me, close to me, cold water wetting his clothes.

The warmth of his body feels so good after the time I've spent under the cool flow of water. If I just didn't feel so horrible, I could probably fall asleep in his warmth. It feels so comfortable to be here.

I feel a bit better, but just physically. My mind is still a pure mess. I can't fix the way I'm thinking just by being hugged by my partner.

"...I'm sorry..." my mouth mutters silently without my permission, as I bring my other hand to Taiga's chest. My hand picks some fabric in the fist, squeezing the wet cloth tightly. I don't want to let him go.

"I'm just so sorry..." I hear how I keep apologizing with a trembling voice.

Kagami keeps me close, holds me against him, not letting me go. He doesn't want to let me go.

At least I want to think so.

He sits there, worried, listening to what I have to say.

He's there for me.

Teppei has probably told him about my unstable state. That's why he's here.

"...Kuroko... Tell me... What's wrong?" he asks me with a calm voice, worrying tone. His other, big palm gently pets my wet hair as the water runs now on both of us, as the darkness is now hiding both of us.

"I just... I just feel so awful... I'm so sorry... I can't... I'm afraid..." I cry, cry, cry. I can't hold it all back anymore. Crying everything out when Kagami is there doesn't feel as uncomfortable as it could feel. I trust him. I feel good being with him. I feel safe with him. "I just don't want to be alone" I whine with a high pitched tone. My hands squeeze his shirt even tighter. I press against him as tightly as I can. I want to be close to him.

"...Calm down... Kuroko... You don't have to be afraid... I'm here..." the redhead whispers close to my ear. I can tell that this main mission is just to calm me down. He doesn't like seeing me like this. Well, who would? But maybe a half of his words' meaning is what he says it to be. He really means that I don't have to be afraid. He's here. He'll keep me safe.

"You don't have to be alone"

And I can't say anything anymore. I can just cry. I'm crying my eyes out.

"There's no way I'd leave you, you know? Why the hell would I leave my shadow?" he asks. I can hear a small, gentle smile in his tone.

"...I've been so awful... We've been losing the games because of me.. I'm just so sorry..." I apologize again and again. I just feel that no matter how many times I apologize, I can never be forgiven.

"Idiot" Kagami sniffs silently, quickly. "It's stupid to blame yourself for something like that. It's not your fault. We're all been playing somewhat worse than earlier. It's because all of us" he tries to cheer me up with silent, soft words. "But we will rise, you know? The next game, we will win it. We'll win all of our upcoming games" my light continues.

"But... I'm just so useless..." I literally whine. I sound like a suffering puppy. Pathetic.

"Shut up already" he commands a bit stronger tone in his voice than just some seconds ago. "You're not useless. You're important. The Seirin team wouldn't be the Seirin team if you weren't a part of it. Kuroko, understand already that you are important to all of us" the redhead mutters right in my ear. I'm still searching for warmth and protection from him. "You're important to me"

My eyes remind me of two lakes with rivers. My body is shaking, and I'm just crying. Kagami is slowly pulling my pieces back together. And it hurts, or something. The feeling is impossible to explain. It somewhat hurts, but it still feels good. I'm slowly becoming complete again.

I've forgotten myself completely in the warmth of my partner. I can feel his heartbeat through his chest.

The water keeps running on our skins.

The darkness continues, the time passes.

We're completely forgotten in the corner of the showering room.

And he's fixing me.

We'll win the next game. I'm sure of it.


End file.
